This is a strange tale. Where does it begin? Where does it end?

eesh0130 @ 2009-12-12T10:52:00

2009-12-12T15:52:07Z

"You know how everyone is when a new person comes into a clique, it's like, "Who does she think she is?" I've never been good with cliques. Cliques are all about people trying to find security in groups. "Oh, I'm special now because I'm part of this clique." But it's really just the emperor's new clothes. People aren't really together in cliques, and the sense of security that they feel is just an illusion. Eventually, all cliques disintegrate. That's why I've always felt secure in my insecurity."
- RuPaul in Lettin It All Hang Out (1995)

eesh0130 @ 2009-11-22T10:59:00

2009-11-22T15:59:32Z

i was in a lecture room overlooking the halifax harbour. the lecture was on farming and different methods in farming (yes, i been playin too much farmville on facebook). all of a sudden i noticed these killer whales in the harbour, jumping/breaking and playing. there were different sizes too. i was kinda excited to see killer whales this deep into the harbour but other people appeared unmoved. after the whales, hippos started swimming and wading up the harbour. these were huuuge-ass hippos too. next giant alligators passed through. it was an amazing sight but at the same time i was nervous because all these creatures started lining up a la noah's ark and i thought some 2012 adventure was about to begin.

by this time the lecture was over and i realized that in my excitement i had missed some notes so i had to borrow someone else's. the guy i borrowed from was from my highschool in trini. just as i was about to finish the notes someone brought a baby cow into the room. it came up to see what i was doing, sniffed the paper i was writing on and then ate it. i was surprised at what the calf did but couldn't get angry coz it was way too cute. then it burped. then i woke up.

eesh0130 @ 2009-11-04T11:05:00

2009-11-04T16:16:52Z

this morning i dreamt that my parents were a white couple and i had been adopted..or something, but i knew who my birth parents were and didn't feel comfortable calling these other folks "mummy" and "daddy" but i still felt connected to them somehow.

they wanted to do something for me - take care of me, drive me somewhere - but i ran away from home and stopped on a bridge to rest and think about what to do next.

my white mother found me and tried to console me, then my white father drove up in an old car and we both went in. he told me about their hardships with money and how i should give them a chance. i didn't think i was being mean or unfair, and i wanted to tell him that they weren't the only ones with financial hardships and that i also experienced such hardships in my life, but i couldn't. i didn't feel like i HAD to tell them...i didn't feel like i had to justify or compare myself to them, so i started to cry.

and i woke up crying.

eesh0130 @ 2009-08-20T09:56:00

2009-08-20T14:15:32Z

this morning i dreamt that i was back home in trinidad and had to write an exam at trent university but was late. somehow trent was situated in port-of-spain and i felt like i was going back to st mary's. i had to travel to get there...first take a taxi to the kfc by the flyover then take a maxi-taxi into the capital. the taxi dropped me off way past the flyover and took $3, but i asked the driver for a dollar back and started to walk towards that main intersection to get a maxi. i was more than an hour late for this exam and really stressin.

at that point i thought, 'wtf i'm no longer in school! i don't have to write that exam.' and i woke up.

eesh0130 @ 2009-07-15T17:41:00

2009-07-15T21:50:01Z

to get away from city drama i'm visitin an ex in lindsay. ha ha. i'm annoyed already.

i always think it will be different every time i come back here but really..i shouldn't have these expectations. i never learn. gotta humble myself..

god..the people from ptbo downey house (or however the hell u spell it) are infiltrating lindsay!!!! and of course they're supported by folks here. sigh. u know, i'd actually forgotten what it was like to be asked stupid shit by white ppl about my "background"..

anyway, the best thing so far? kawartha dairy ice cream. moose tracks babey!

eesh0130 @ 2009-07-05T00:11:00

2009-07-05T04:39:31Z

post-pride identity crisis! eek.
should i have been on the west indian (indigo vibes) float instead of the south asian one..? agh!

don't get me wrong..i did enjoy being on the float i was on, and i loved the music (which i provided btw, uhthank u very much) but indigo vibes looked like it was more organized. things seemed more in place. they also had these sexy yellow and royal blue carnival costumes that u could purchase/rent and it looked way more fun. and chill.

so much more chill.

shit am i betraying something here? maybe the grass AND ass are a lil bit greener..?
fuckit. i saw someone dressed up all south-asian-like on the indigo vibes float and i'm pretty sure they played a lil chutney for her.

the white dj on the float i was on didn't play the chutney i had on the cds. and he only played one tamil song. not that i blame him. i mean, he is white..he didn't play 'maa da laadla' from dostana either..but i won't get into that.

hm..instead of being the token south asian drag queen (a term i'm starting to identify with less and less) i think i'd rather be the token south asian representation in a queer caribbean scene. cough*gigs*cough

anyway it sucks that a lot of shit needs to be purchased to have the float in the first place, but i hope next year's costume/donation requirement isn't as expensive, so unemployed and under-employed queermos from the caribbean can also participate.

eesh0130 @ 2009-07-01T14:20:00

2009-07-01T18:21:48Z

sheesha needs her own float.

that is all.
:)

p.s. there i am, at around 3:30, on the asaap float

eesh0130 @ 2009-06-28T02:04:00

2009-06-28T06:51:43Z

dear admistrative white guy from 'pride toronto',

i truly appreciate the heart-felt gratitude and comments
about how moving the performance was for u.
it's a very personal number.

but see..
when, as u were about to leave,
u put ur hands together
and bowed at me..

i guess u were trying to honour the soul in me or something..?
instead

it was just racist.
(sorry)

eesh0130 @ 2009-06-21T22:14:00

2009-06-22T02:33:22Z

tried chicken for fhe first time yesterday.
it was goooooood..
it was hakka style..and i just had one small piece..but yeah. it was yummy.
it had a funny texture and was kinda sticking to the teeth..but still. it was yummy!

eesh0130 @ 2009-04-26T04:09:00

2009-04-26T08:14:31Z

free..?

full of advertising and
fucked up.

..fashion.

sigh.

eesh0130 @ 2009-03-16T06:16:00

2009-03-16T10:01:32Z

smita smitten showbiz kitten commentary style :P

so. priyanka beat aishwarya as best actress! winning fashion over jodhaa akbar!

too bad hrithik wasn't there..

um, i haven't seen oye lucky! lucky oye!, but the cast looks cool and trendy.

i loved the queer humour and racy jokes, but i don't think many of the older actors did [can't even say sala on stage..?]. i liked when ranbir and irfan ended up close together on the bed while fighting over the mic and karan showed up between them. so hot. :P

and when they went around doin the blush thing i think priyanka made it a point to say, 'don't just make me say 'aw'..say something naughty/dirty to make me blush!'

and of course, shabana azmi blessed irfan and ranbir (and their sexy queerness) and told them they were doing an amazing job, supporting them all the way!!

konkona managed to pull off the all-hot pink dress, but deepika looked really tense and nervous. dunno what was goin on there..

and as for srk, he looks kinda over the hill now. he's past his prime, and he knows it. i think he's gracefully giving way to the younger actors (and a different generation), at the same time giving much-needed advice about the industry as he takes a step to the back row.

oh, did u hear about when the event was over and as rekha was leaving she started greeting the bacchan family? and u know how there's been all this media frenzy with her and amitabh for decades. so she starts down the line hugging abhishek, then aishwarya, with all the cameras lining up for this shot of rekha and amitabh...and just before she leaves ash to hug amitabh he gets up and walks off. i can find links to share if y'all like.

which reminds me, when the person was accepting an award for oye lucky - i don't remember for which category - he was wearing a patka and didn't speak as much english. at some points during his speech the audience was laughing at him and how he spoke. aishwarya kept sayin 'so cute! so cute!'. it was so condescending. nowadays at bollywood events so much english is spoken that there's people who are fabulous and amazing in other ways who feel forced to speak a certain kind of english..and then get laughed at for it. guess it doesn't help that i don't remember his name..

i liked srk's comments later on, where he said that u don't need to be a big star to be great, and acknowledged the actor from oye lucky in punjabi/hindi. comments about slumdog millionaire were nice, and after what the youth experienced post-slumdog hype, it was cool to see and hear them sharing their experiences of being in america. then one of the youths was like, 'this was about us, in mumbai, it wasn't about the oscars'.

so yeah.
okay i need to stop. and sleep.

{originally posted in the bollywood community}

:)

eesh0130 @ 2008-12-01T19:27:00

2008-12-02T00:55:53Z

next monday
buddies in bad times theatre
stimulAsian 2
sheesha and her hookahs!

eesh0130 @ 2008-11-02T19:30:00

2008-11-03T01:23:26Z

happy belated diwali! i enjoyed it this year...i lime with veena and her friends from school and feel like a fool coz i was the older bhaiya fal-in with them, but say what...i enjoyed the food and the khurma and the old talk.

oh yea, so friday was halloween. din't wear a costume. just wore makeup and a sparkly kameez top and went for a walk downtown with peeps.

next week is the trans conference! i'm doin chaiya chaiya with A on saturday night. excited! and also badi mushkil from lajja and namak from omkara...or something. solo. aagh! i hadda practice!

what else..have an interview with ocasi on wednesday. allyuh pray for me that i get the job nah..

in the meantime..

(as usual the subtitles not all that, but u get the general meanin...)

eesh0130 @ 2008-10-17T03:33:00

2008-10-17T07:38:57Z

i'm siiiick!!! well, i'm just gettin over being sick...i think the cold virus has been quelled (fresh ginger-chilli tea!) and now my body is expellin the excess mucus through the mouth, nose and eyes in this extremely sexy manner. the usual.

housewarming party on saturday! theme - bollywood sci-fi...along the likes of 'love story 2050', 'krrish', etc.
i'm wearin z's furry, sparkly red dress in an attempt to be bipasha. or priyanka. or somebody.
oh...that means i have to straighten my hair! har.

damn, i need batts for the camera..!

work is good, but i need more hours!

trans conference in peterborough next month!

eesh0130 @ 2008-10-03T12:58:00

2008-10-03T17:08:29Z

we finally have internet, but i don't yet have a monitor so i have to keep waitin till i could use my computer in my room.

tonight is besharam. is $15 cover...ugh. plenty ppl doh like it coz it full of shiny-shinies who sometimes end up harassin women, homos and trans peeps, but i never been so is worth it. i dunno...that is shitty logic. pre-drinking will help :)

eesh0130 @ 2008-09-30T01:45:00

2008-09-30T05:46:37Z

happy navratri!

have a youtube video...

eesh0130 @ 2008-09-25T02:36:00

2008-09-25T06:36:24Z

the asian arts freedom school both excites and frightens me. people there are so creative and talented but it's also lil bit intimidating.

being around such talent and creativity is super-inspiring and i want to get involved, but most of it is centred around written expression. i would like to incorporate dance somehow. i can express my story with dance, and as fucked up as a lot of bollywood shit is, it has been and continues to be a culturally significant role in my life and is a major part of my story.

so yeah, daaaance!!
apparently maybe next cycle.

in the meantime, i could prolly be inspired to write something..maybe as a prologue..?

eesh0130 @ 2008-09-21T13:28:00

2008-09-21T17:39:56Z

for those who weren't aware, i'm now living in toronto. bloor and ossington.

the move was stressful and more expensive than i thought it would be, but i survived it and fell like i'm settling in. i need to find a cool west indian community. And i think there's a mandir not far from here on bloor..?

also, i have a job. i i'll be doing science programming for young children at a community centre. yay.

eesh0130 @ 2008-08-26T17:11:00

2008-08-26T20:17:52Z

oh yeah, i'm also attached to the people i met through work. today was my last day with the youth. ;( but it's okay...we went to the tim hortons camp and stayed overnight. it was so much fun.

also, i came home today to find that a fly was trapped in my room and tried to escape through the window mesh thing. it had tried to squeeze through, only to get its head stuck. it couldn't pull its head back through and died suspended in the mesh.

eesh0130 @ 2008-08-25T03:00:00

2008-08-25T06:01:05Z

happy janmashtami!

actually, i think it was last night but the celebration at the mandir was tonight. last night i watched the story bout the birth of krishna (a la ramanand sagar) with a group of spiritual peeps at dr b's. we were all there for the weekend.

i'm going to miss halifax. i'm going to miss the people i met at the temple. even though tonight auntie kept asking louder and louder as i tried to avoid answering the question, "why are you leaving? is it a girlfriend?" i still love her. damn. i'm going to miss so many ppl here. i love guruji and i'll miss him. what an amazing tabla player. i learnt a huge deal about music. shit shit...do i have time to buy him a present or something? what does one get for her guruji?! help!! omg...i'm going to miss dr b and his family! they've become like family!

i'll miss the temple.

funny eh...i feel detached re: everything else about halifax, except for where i pray and the people i've met there.

anyway, happy krishna janmashtami.

eesh0130 @ 2008-08-12T18:47:00

2008-08-12T21:37:46Z

'You know what? The war's over and I ain't going to lie down on no bed. We orready have Hitler in a vice, and if, as they say, Churchill cool as ice, what about me? I ain't going to jump up because I ain't have nobody. In this sort of bacchanal, it's the easiest thing to get a man to jump up with. But I ain't want just any man. Just one particular one, but if he wasn't a Nazi. If he wasn't a Hitler. That is my trouble. I always talk frankoment.'

- michael anthony (from the short story 'victory ever more')

eesh0130 @ 2008-08-09T11:15:00

2008-08-09T14:47:02Z

a few more weekends left in nova scotia..

goin to stewiacke tonight after a hot date this eve.

next weekend is volunteer training for the move your world conference at camp mockingee in windsor. there's also a bollywood dance party at St Mary's Uni that friday night. the first of it's kind here, or something.

the following weekend i'll be at the arunachala ashram in bridgetown with some folks from the study group. krishna janmashtami is that sunday and i was hoping to celebrate it at the mandir, but being with a smaller group of peeps in the countryside will prolly be better. more personal nah.

then it's off to the tata centre in tatamagouche for camp.

hm, this month sums up my entire life.

eesh0130 @ 2008-08-07T01:26:00

2008-08-07T04:27:08Z

why o why o why must i meet new cool people NOW. i'm determined to leave with a grimace on my face and the only sweetest memory being foggy, summer evening strolls. jokes! other sweet memories include biking downhill and skidding on snow as i attempt to stop halfway down said hill.

también, i should cut down on how often i take other people's god's name in vain. either that or i should start goin around exclaiming 'hey bhagwan!' Or better yet - arey baap re baap!

eesh0130 @ 2008-08-01T20:44:00

2008-08-01T23:48:12Z

went for a sail on the amistad today.

eesh0130 @ 2008-07-30T20:08:00

2008-07-31T00:02:04Z

think i just had a 'break-up' conversation with a friend on msn. yeah, i came out to him. interestin how i can read so many books and talk about myself in workshops so i think i'm okay at the beginning of a conversation, but by the end i'm like, 'ughhh'.

i asked if he okay with it and he said that he wasn't. he didn't think he was talking to me; it was someone else on my end and left the convo.

met him at the temple youth camp in trini about 10 years ago.