dont always remember my dreams, but this one was just too vivid..
kinda..

i said i was just tryin something out. i knew better..it was too fast. he said i was too good. at times he could do and say irrational shit, and he didnt want to hurt me so he just let me go. 

why are we taught to think we're all so fuckin unique anyway? well i think i am...i'm caring, sensitive, a sexy lover and good with tools. srsly! ;) i'm one helluva catch! but everyone thinks that he is a helluva catch and at the same time goes around sayin 'no drama! no drama!'

but a lil bit of drama can be good...it only depends on how we deal wit it.
drama helps me hate him a little bit more. and helps him to hate me. if he didnt start actin like a bitch i would still be loving him so it helps us to move on from thinking that we can 'just be friends'.

 He walked away.

He listened to what I had to say, asked to take a chance on him, but eventually told me "all the best" and walked away.
I wanted to hug him before he left because I still cared about him. 
I said I was taking it slow because I wasn't feelin relationship vibes. I enjoy his company and would even consider bein fuck-friends, but he wanted more. And I couldn't provide that.

It sucks that this is how it has to end but I don't want to lead him on into thinkin we gonna be together forever. if i'm not feelin it...i can't force it.

Thing is, I'm a nice person and try my best to express how I feel in a respectful way...but maybe too nice coz fellas end up bein rude, disrespectful assholes. I also think it goes beyond rejection. i've been rejected too and kno it's a shitty feeling, but srsly? If that's how they gonna be if they don't get wat they want then walkin away is prolly the best thing he could've done.

do do do-do
do do do-do-do
do do do-do
do do do-do-
da-da-da ding, da-ding
da-d-d-da-ding..

that's the theme music from sex & the city.

we need more of that show. i mean i do.
so it feels like i'm finally coming into my own style and my own space in toronto; work is good, friends are sweet. family is tolerable.
i'm tryin to date too..and *navigate* through the bullshit that goes with it.
plus, emotions.

i feel like carrie..minus the brand names (i dont think i can ever justify wanting or owning $400 shoes even to myself).

maybe i'll revamp this journal and write about dating experiences..
and by 'revamp' i mean update my flist, by which i also mean delete half ah allyuh rass.

happy summer!

i was in a lecture room overlooking the halifax harbour. the lecture was on farming and different methods in farming (yes, i been playin too much farmville on facebook). all of a sudden i noticed these killer whales in the harbour, jumping/breaking and playing. there were different sizes too. i was kinda excited to see killer whales this deep into the harbour but other people appeared unmoved. after the whales, hippos started swimming and wading up the harbour. these were huuuge-ass hippos too. next giant alligators passed through. it was an amazing sight but at the same time i was nervous because all these creatures started lining up a la noah's ark and i thought some 2012 adventure was about to begin.

by this time the lecture was over and i realized that in my excitement i had missed some notes so i had to borrow someone else's. the guy i borrowed from was from my highschool in trini. just as i was about to finish the notes someone brought a baby cow into the room. it came up to see what i was doing, sniffed the paper i was writing on and then ate it. i was surprised at what the calf did but couldn't get angry coz it was way too cute. then it burped. then i woke up.

this morning i dreamt that my parents were a white couple and i had been adopted..or something, but i knew who my birth parents were and didn't feel comfortable calling these other folks "mummy" and "daddy" but i still felt connected to them somehow.

they wanted to do something for me - take care of me, drive me somewhere - but i ran away from home and stopped on a bridge to rest and think about what to do next.

my white mother found me and tried to console me, then my white father drove up in an old car and we both went in. he told me about their hardships with money and how i should give them a chance. i didn't think i was being mean or unfair, and i wanted to tell him that they weren't the only ones with financial hardships and that i also experienced such hardships in my life, but i couldn't. i didn't feel like i HAD to tell them...i didn't feel like i had to justify or compare myself to them, so i started to cry.

and i woke up crying.

this morning i dreamt that i was back home in trinidad and had to write an exam at trent university but was late. somehow trent was situated in port-of-spain and i felt like i was going back to st mary's. i had to travel to get there...first take a taxi to the kfc by the flyover then take a maxi-taxi into the capital. the taxi dropped me off way past the flyover and took $3, but i asked the driver for a dollar back and started to walk towards that main intersection to get a maxi. i was more than an hour late for this exam and really stressin.

at that point i thought, 'wtf i'm no longer in school! i don't have to write that exam.' and i woke up.

to get away from city drama i'm visitin an ex in lindsay. ha ha. i'm annoyed already.

i always think it will be different every time i come back here but really..i shouldn't have these expectations. i never learn. gotta humble myself..

god..the people from ptbo downey house (or however the hell u spell it) are infiltrating lindsay!!!! and of course they're supported by folks here. sigh. u know, i'd actually forgotten what it was like to be asked stupid shit by white ppl about my "background".. 

anyway, the best thing so far? kawartha dairy ice cream. moose tracks babey!